The dark seasons that we walk through can be oh so hard. For a couple of weeks now, I have felt the pressure of adversity. The heaviness has been pressing down on me. I feel God’s dissatisfaction with my work. I am trying to do a good job with the plow that He has me working with. There is little fruit.
I need a sale or I will be unemployed yet again. I need grace. I need something. A kick in the butt? Nothing comes easy.
There is much going on around Laura. I dont know what it is, but I feel it – sense it. In the last week or so, I just dont feel love from her, not that I feel much love from her anyway, but it is much more so now. There has been thoughts, discussions, God, etc. around Hosea and the harlot. Gomer was his wife. She gave herself over to others, then prostituted herself then decided to do it for free. He still took her back. God is calling me to this type of love. Angie had that impression that Laura was seeing another guy or was about to. I had a dream this past week that she was dating her boss. Then, I came across this book. I feel that God is asking me to love Laura with that kind of love. It’s the same kind of love that He gives us. We are the harlots. We chase everything but Him. Then, we leave Him again for another, no matter what that idol looks like. Israel did that time and again, and He took them back. This must grieve His heart immensely. Oh, what love.
This morning, I was awoken at 2am. I laid in bed thinking that it might not be God. But, I did have the song going (God usually gives me a worship song in my head to let me know that it’s time to get up and that it’s Him). I wrestled with it for a bit and dozed back off. Then, I was awoken to a dream where I saw a huge bushmaster in an olive tree. I saw it from afar. It was all in the tree and was huge. The next thing I know is that I am sitting at a desk that is built into the tree and the snake is slithering between my back and the chair back, ever so slowly. I didnt move. Within a few seconds the snake turns its head and bites me partially in my front left hip. I have thoughts of smashing its head with a rock and wonder why I didnt just pick it up and throw it away since the bible says that we will be able to do that and not be hurt. So, I have graduated from those copperheads up to the bushmaster. Whatever. satan comes in all sizes, but he is still under my feet, and I have authority over all of his power and HE who is in ME is greater than he who is in the world. Bless God.
So, the Lord is doing a work in me. He is, indeed, tenderizing me. I dont know if I will have a job for long. I dont know what’s up with Laura. I just dont know much. I will keep trying in every single area of my life to do what He wants and to do it with a good heart and all of it. I know that it’s simply not enough without His grace to cover me.
My heart aches.
He did take me into Romans 9. Oh what revelation. The essence of this is that He hardens the hearts for His glory. He gives mercy for His glory. And, He will do it to whomever He desires, and we are not to question. He has Laura’s heart hard for His glory. I endure, and I endure. I love her and need to just keep on going with that. But, He can soften it when He wants to. It is for His Name. Bless God.
Even though this is so hard, I feel God’s control over it all more than ever. I know that He is orchestrating it all. I know that He checked me on work cause I was going down the wrong path. I was spending too much time ministering to the men of Crossroads. I continue to go on Monday’s but I do not seek them out like before. If I get lunch with one or two guys during the week, yea. If not, yea. No matter. My ministry is my job and my family and Daystar with a little crossroads thrown in. But, He will show me the folks that He wants me ministering to. Hear and obey. Man, is that the lesson for ministry – and life.