Laura and fire – John's Journal

Well, Laura and I remain a mess with the work stuff. But, God is doing it.

She still wants me to go work for a company. It aint gonna happen. God is doing elevate29, The Revenue Factory and all of that. I will keep going that way.

It can be hard for a man to obey the LORD. But, he must do it at all costs, even it means going alone.

My email to Laura:

Thanks for sharing this in this manner. I understand your thoughts and where your heart is.

I will process through all that you have written.

I can tell you that you still want to make this about me and what I do wrong and all of that, and it is not about me. What you are going through is from the LORD and intentional. You are not immune to God’s shaking. The entire church is going through it. Whether you want to hear it or not, it is still the truth. And, any place that you put above Jesus is going to come down. That’s what shaking does.

But, to take a practical look at things:

The profit and loss for 2011 is attached for elevate29. You once said that it was never about the money. Your actions now suggest otherwise. Since June or July, I have been on a steady run of about $70k per year, and it is increasing.

I already have $1,400 in for December. Dave Carlson is probably going to do the sales stuff with me based upon the way he was acting yesterday. This is $3,500 more plus $500 per month. So, this month is shaping up to be a really good month. Rob says that NBP will close their first deal, and that will be $1,200 +. Steve is $2,150 each month.

I can see $8k coming in this month already, if all goes well.

What I see is that you want the perceived security of a bigger company when your own bigger company is about as clear a message that that type of security no longer exists. We have more security in me doing elevate29 than any other scenario.

This is the new reality of today’s world and business. You are living proof of it.

I am sorry that you are going through it. It hurts us both, and I hate division.

Yes, you know my position. And, I am going to work out the practical with you. That change is happening now. No more just living in the sky. I will have the discussions on what’s going on, the deals and all of that.

And, I will remain resolute to do what God says to do.

I love you.

Laura’s email to me:

John,

I believe that I’ve narrowed down my thoughts and feelings to a couple of points. Let me try and share with you in a way that I couldn’t last week. Trust is built through consistent behavior. We have discussed before how on many occasions you have said one thing and then acted in a different manner. Sometimes I think this happens because you are reacting to something that you just heard or saw and then after processing realize that your initial words or actions may not be the best for the situation. While this is hard to live with what is harder is when there is a situation that you/we have processed through together, prayed about and believe that we are acting in God’s will and then you do something different than what we agreed on as one. You probably know where I am going with this. When you left here, your exact words to me were, “I just need to go out there and get the job. This life we have now is just a struggle and it doesn’t have to be this way. If I get the job and we live where we are supposed to life will be so much easier and we can focus on what is really important and enjoy being together.”Absolutely nothing is easier now in fact it is just about to get a lot worse for me. I’ve been waiting for so long for you to act consistently where employment is concerned. I have no trust in that area. And I have yet to see that you can consistently provide for us working for yourself. That is not a commentary on your diligence or hard work but something is missing. You have really been at this for almost two years now.

As far as State Bank goes, the only job that I really want to do for them is gone. The only options that I have are going back to retail. I described for you last night what that means since in this short time we both have forgotten what it is really like. They are cutting staff every where. It is just going to get harder. They will be able to ask me to help out in different locations no matter what job I take, assistant branch manager or customer service. I will be answering the phone and my job will be to help clients when they come in the branch. That means they are setting my schedule and agenda not me. That is the job. If I honor my employer I have to act accordingly to those responsibilities. If I stay in Alpharetta and they offer me CRR position the likelihood of being asked to help in other branches increases. My options with State Bank are not good. Yes they want to keep me, I have been a hard worker and they don’t have to do much training. It is cheap for them to keep me.

Now from where I stand, going back to my opening, had you followed through with our original plan, I wouldn’t be faced with this decision. In fact we would probably be all going to Colorado for Christmas and looking for a house to live in June. Instead I am trying to decide how much more I can handle here on my own and having very little confidence in what you are doing now as a long term solution to our financial situation. So when someone says can I do this job for six months, it is really hard for me to think that this will be only six months. What has proved out so far is that my decisions about employment need to have a more long term thought to them. I feel like the fact that I have not sought other employment for the last eight months is an act of faith that things were going to be different this time. I don’t want to work for a bank and these last few months would have afforded me the best opportunity to look for something else. So maybe I had a window and I missed it. I am not looking to you to rescue me but it seems like I am the one that acts consistently here and I am shouldering the burden of what that takes by myself.

I probably will humbly and graciously decline the position at Norcross because I just don’t think I can handle 12 hour work days and that proved to be not good for the kids before. Jack deserves to have me around. My fear is that this job could be God’s way of providing and I am not willing to bear more hardship. Yes, I do want things to ease up for me, us as a family. Is that wrong?

I feel like I know your position on everything I have written and that makes me even more sad, that we see it so very differently. Every area of my life that is important to me is in turmoil right now, my relationship with the Lord, my relationship with you, my job, and how to best care for my children.

I have many more things to say and thoughts on the situation that we are in but I will stop now. The most pressing matter is what to do on Monday. Whether I figure it out or not Monday is coming and I know that I will handle whatever happens because there are no other choices but to handle it. And yes the Lord will be with me. I don’t need a lecture on faith I need some tangible help.

Love,
Laura